Today. I see you waiting for me. I smile. I welcome you with both my arms wide open and take you in. I like having you with me. You are the gentle breeze in spring. A melody I like to sing. I am never surprised but I know it is just a matter of time for you to come and take my hand.

You grab my hand run through the super highways of my mind, crisscrossing, bypassing, detouring from here to there; you take me to our secret garden by foot. I stand there panting, that’s off the city, back in the country. We used to see endless blue sky, fluffy white clouds, green grass, and fields of flowers in our garden, vast and guarded by iron gates. I stand there breathless as you open the door with the special key that you own.

A fresh breath, I take in, a spring morning when our eyes met through the window pane. How you came around me and we started to make memories, together. In the flash of your smile, I gave my heart away to you. For every beat I took from yours. In perfect rhythm we sang our song. Planting our desires, dreaming in colours of yellow, orange and reds, scented with you and me, birds chirping, restless minds, graceful body. Caressing delicate petals, nurturing our love, pregnant with dreams and giving birth in passion, we loved.

Tulip Garden.

I stand there and watch our garden, I see your face not just there, but everywhere, your eyes follow me around, look at me with the love, care, tenderness and the fact that they know me better than anyone else in the world, the eyes that possess me, those eyes I possess – virgin love, that gives me strength, that makes me proud, that still takes my breath away.

You take my hand yet again and we walk our first walk, we smile our first smile, you kiss the first kiss that made me yours, I am all yours, all over again. Slowly and deliberately we repeat our conversations, our love, our fights, and all the moments we cherished – slowly, one more time. Savouring them.

I feel you on me, your touch, your kisses, as you hold each other as there is nothing more, entwined in each other, breathing you, our romance, your love, your grace and your smile. Your luscious lips on me, mine, grazing hungrily, greedily, slowly and passionately. Never ending passion, ever green love, virgin feelings that pour out – intoxicates.

I look back at you, drunk with you, you smile at me, take me in your arms, I nuzzle my face at your neck, nibbling your ears, kissing your shoulder, we mirror each other and in that we see our unborn children, future, growing old, dream and imagine a life with each other. We had named our children and we played forever making them for us. One for you and one for me and I see them now playing in the garden with yellow flowers.

I laugh at the joke you make, I laugh at silly things, you amuse me – only you could, otherwise I would have frowned. I adore your face, the way you smirk, the way you smile, the way you raise your eyebrows and melt when you look into my eyes. The grace with which you move your fingers, you  glide – not walk. Your gentle voice, soft with your sweet accent, never loud not even when you were angry or hurt.

I look around and you are gone.

I wait again impatiently. The way I used to wait for you endlessly just to see your face, have your arms around me. One touch, kisses just once a day. I waited for you, I couldn’t live without you. You arrived without fail.

One day you failed.

I started to cry, I cried like there was no tomorrow. I cried over my insecurity, I cried over losing you, I cried over not having you anymore in my arms. I cried for our unborn children, I cried over the demolished dreams, home, love, laughter. I cried endlessly. There were gates for our garden that they were closing in on us.

Never to open again for us to be.

I cried, I protested, I rebelled and I went mad. I stood there day after day, year after year wondering how that could be. How could they close down something so beautiful and very much mine? How come no one told me that there was an expiry date and which date that would be? I couldn’t fix the puzzle; pieces were missing, of me and you. It hurt me, ate me up alive - the grief, the pain of not having to touch you, the pain of not having to see you every day, the pain of not breathing you. I lived with you every minute with you frantically picking up the pieces trying to recreate the illusion and not letting go. Fiercely guarding you in my mind.

My sanctuary. Nothing is as special as ours, nothing could ever be.

I wanted to see, I moved out to city, living in the fun, racy, materialistic, practical and adventurous. Life got so much to offer even without you near me, beside me.

You send me tulips from you time to time from our garden, I smile that you too have me inside of you and I love the times we painstaking groomed our love, our garden, you followed me around, helped me nourish our love, was there for me, in me, all the time, all these years, love you till my last breath and protect our virgin love. Only place I call home in the country and only you can give me the strength to go on living.

I don’t cry no more, I don’t miss you no more; I don’t crave for you no more. You are no more in my world but very much inside of me. Swimming, floating, gliding, germinating, and alive and throbbing with life and love, you feed me with love, lust, passion for life, part of me that feeds the all of me. 

Now you are gone again, I wait patiently for your face to fade - that I see in our secret garden.

Until next time, 

Love

 *****

Listening to: This used to be my playground by Madonna (one of my favourite song back in the 90’s) sort of inspired to write this too.