Is this love?

I have read in books, listened to songs and have heard people talk about the love. Blind love, love driving them crazy, madly in love, and I have had friends tell me that when I am in love then I will know. Maybe one day I will know... 

******

I met her through a common friend. She looked pretty. I heard that she is the one for me, all I had to do is to see her, and then everything will fall in place. I was sceptical and so we met casually I didn’t know what she was told about me. She was nice. I was with her for few minutes, and then I wanted to talk to her alone. I asked her if she would like to go out for a coffee, she said yes. Then I was talking to her for about an hour. She hardly said anything. Somewhere during that time,  I had this strange feeling, it was not lust and it was not love or maybe it was, I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to be the man in her life.

She must have sensed something, she smiled shyly...later she said my pupils were dilated and I was selling myself to her, when I thought I was wooing her. As I was talking to her, I was seeing my unborn children in her eyes and we leading a life – a life time flashed before me. If there was one person, it was her. I wanted to please her, keep her happy every single day of my life. My heart. Oh yes, my heart.

It is love.

Love does strange things. I married her. I took her to Europe for our honeymoon, I bought her a house, and I couldn’t resist myself getting her what she looked at adoringly. We started our life. It was bliss to come home everyday to her. To see her smile at me, sit with her in the sofa and watch some TV programme, go out for dinners, go on a road trip and then our first fight broke out. I was devastated. My heart tore apart. I looked at her, how could it be? Then we made up.

I had fallen deep into love.

Today after many years, I wonder what was it about her, I still don’t know, I see many women every day, none interest me. I don’t want to look at them any other way. No one tempts me and I wonder if something is wrong with me. After 15 years of marriage, I am not even interested in the anatomy of a woman!

Is this love?

Am I in love with my wife?

She vehemently rejects the idea. She says I don’t spend time with her at all. That I don't take her to her favorite restuarent anymore.

This baffles me.

***

There was a time... I used to wonder what love is

First time I saw my brother running around a girl, I was 10. He said he is in love with her. To me girls were just bugs, ready to be squished. They were a bother like a mosquito bite. Mahi was 6, she used to have this hair bands and I love to look at them and I pull it from her hair and she would cry saying that I hurt her. She always surprised me, so I hurt her, what a pest! I had asked my brother if I was in love with Mahi. He laughed; he said that I will know when I am in love.

I wondered if it was love...

***

I was 13, entered my manhood. This I knew when I saw Sujatha. She was living across the street, I had never noticed her before. She was there one day, right in front of me, smiling at me. I suddenly felt guilt. I looked around nervously, if anyone saw her smile at me. No one was around. From that day onwards I started to groom well, I brushed my hair regularly and wore clothes that were clean and helped Sujatha’s mom, along with my mom a lot. I was this errand boy. Once a while, she would smile at me and stand in front of her house. I would look at her greedily from my room.  Then she would come over to my house to get something and come into my room when I was alone. She liked my hair a lot, she liked to ruffle it. She will talk to me about my subjects and ask if I wanted any help. Whenever she was around my tongue went numb, not a word would come out.

I thought about her every single waking hour and night. I had reruns of her, ruffling my hair, which sent the tingling feeling all over, over and over again.

Somehow I didn’t want to marry her, that thought didn’t cross my mind at all.

Is this love, I had wondered...

***

I was 19 when I met Preetha in my class. Preetha for once did not ruffle my hair; she didn’t even come near me. She looked at me and turned the other way and walked away from me. From the pit of my stomach anger rose, how could she insult me? I didn’t understand how a girl like Preetha NOT like me? I chased her with a vengeance. I was there everywhere she would be, near her house, in classes, temples, I knew all her activities. I tried to say hi and hello to her. I just wanted her to talk to me, sit with me have a coffee and eventually ruffle my hair. One year I was like a madman. Love didn’t cross my mind at all. I just wanted her attention.

Finally one day she smiled at me, we were having coffee, some 20 of us in canteen and I was quite not talking to anyone, she came up to me and said how come I was not following her for the past couple of days...

I asked her, if she missed me

She said yes, she has gotten used to have me around

I asked, what she means by that

She said, she just missed me not following her around

At that point, I hated her. I never wanted to see her face again. I don’t know why...I was done with her.

My friends insisted that I was in love with Preetha.

I think about her and I remember not feeling love, just anger.

Was that love?....I wonder

***

Between 20 and 27 I was only interested in the anatomy on women. Everyone I came across I wanted to see, touch and feel. I did anything to have my way, some understood and some girls were difficult. I developed love for dancing to have a girl stand on my feet to carry her weight and have her nudge my legs, thighs and feel her on me.

There was one girl Smita that was the girl every man died for to have her dance with. No one was as good as her. She would come close to me, and there won't be even space for air to pass through us, the closeness, the warmth kept me around her and wanted other girls to be just like Smita. I tried to teach the other girls how to remain close without nudging through the song and let me feel bliss in that moment. There was no one like Smita. 

I liked Sakhi, she had the most beautiful smile to go with her perfect body but she somehow managed to keep 4 inch distance and she actually liked to dance – mostly by herself. I tried hard to work with Sakhi - I liked her, but Smita never ever had me longing. She was always there around to give me the warmth. I looked forward to spend time with her. Made sure she was free, healthy and happy whenever I wanted to dance.

My friends were falling in love and getting married. A thought crossed about Smita but somehow I couldn’t picture myself with her, a future – marriage. Smita was loving.

Maybe I was in love with Smita. Or even Sakhi, but both got married to some stray guy they met at these parties. Last I heard Smita has not changed one bit and still hitting the dance floors.

I smile. It would be nice to meet her someday for old times’ sake.

I wonder why I am not...

***

I rush home to be in the arms of my wife. Have her smile at me and fight me, let me breathe her in, hold her tender, kiss her ears, back of her neck – take her out for dinner to her favourite restaurant, have her talk about our children, home, life, and the world.

We get to the dance floor; I hold her and tell her that I am in love with her. She is the only one.